I am a projection queen.
Projection, noun: the unconscious transfer of one’s desires or emotions to another person.
[a tat image; an old psychology practice wherein patiences are asked to create a story from the image, which – the theory believes, will unveil aspects of the patients psyche as doctors believe that the patients will project their own stories onto the image in some fashion]
If I am unhappy with myself, I usually rub it off on something (or someone) else. If I am feeling bothered or irrational, I will typically suggest the one things is bothering me (usually that something is menial in comparison to the actual source of stress) in order to get past, or ignore the actual source. Most times it works. For a while, that is. I allow those around me to think (well, I will be honest with you, I doubt that those closest to me ever buy into my charade) that I am OK, or that something other than what is actually bothering is bothering me.
For instance, lately I have been very uninspired at both my work and my school. I feel no umph to do it, and therefore feel that I dislike both. Now, granted, as much as don’t love my current job, I do like the people and it is not my career (as my mother often asserts), so I really should not let it get me down, right? And school, I love learning – typically, speaking. Well, here is the novel bit. The shocker. Hold your horses; you’re about to be amazed.
It isn’t school, or work, that I am annoyed with. It is myself.
Do I feel a bit lost, or as if I am somewhat going through the motions right now? Yes. But that is neither school, nor work’s fault. It’s the fault of my own. I am annoyed with my inability to let go of my fears, so I take it out on my work. In any way that I can.
I guess what I came to discover (like most people struggling with disordered eating and [I’m calling it] reliant exercise), when that feels out of sorts, I feel out of sorts; and when I feel out of sorts, the only way I can feel ‘in sorts’ is to… control my eating. Then, from there, I become plagued with disgust (strong word, but valid) of my own failures (they are failures, but they’re not irreversible) and begin to look for something, or someone, to blame. Due to the fact that ‘I no longer have an ED’, it can’t possibly be my fault, so it must be work… or school… or my boyfriend, even.
While I know this is not a fair way to behave, it is the reality of an ED. Or, at the very least, mine. Currently I sit in what now is referred to as ‘quasi-recovery’. Essentially, what this means is, my body (in terms of weight) has been restored to a ‘healthy’ bmi. Currently, I stand at 20, which is pretty good, but it generally at the lower end of the spectrum. Then should you take consideration of my fat to muscle ratio and … blah. It’s all Greek to me. Or, at least, I wish that it were. I digress. So, quasi-recovery is essentially when you’re BMI is good, but other important aspects of your physiological state (namely, hormonal levels). For me this means the stopping of my menstrual cycle.
The unfortunate reality is doctors rely pretty heavily on BMI. Why? Likely due to the quick nature of it. And let’s be honest, not all doctors are properly training in eating disorders. Or severe malnutrition. Perhaps the physical aspects, but not the psychological; and above that, each person’s body is entirely different and will therefore respond to activity and diet completely differently. So what gives?
Apparently – as noted – BMIs are faulty and the caloric limits are under-represent. In fact, while most nutritional resources advocate 2000-2200 level (which I currently partake), it is actually about 1000 calories lower than what the average non-ED people will eat. Not every day, mind you, but if you average out what they are eating in their lives, this is what it will likely work out to. Therefore, it is said that in recovery (and after) those recovering should intake 2500+ calories per day, pairing that with zero exercise [to get this information in further detail: http://www.youreatopia.com]
Holy shoot. Holy moly. What?
At currently, the notion of this still frightens me. But every now and again I become overwhelmed with: what if is is right? There is ample science behind the theory, as shown on the website, along with several success stories. Essentially, what this all translates into, is to just eat normally – and allow for rest.
I am going to try to just do my limited exercise and focus on ensuring I get my minimums servings, but listen to my bodies hunger cues, as some days we are more hungry than others. I need to remind myself that there is no right nor wrong answer, and that my body will know what to do. :)
My body will know.