It has almost been two months since I last posted anything on here; and let me tell you, a lot can happen (or, fail to happen) in six-eight weeks.
Have you ever been struck with intensely mixed emotions? On the one hand, you feel incredible about something, yet on the other… you almost feel disgusted?
About a week ago I was struggling a lot mentally. Finally I had reached a place in my life where I felt, comfortable – beautiful, even. OK, maybe I won’t go that far, but I was definitely at a place where I felt like that was not completely out of the realm of possibility. But something in the back of my mind was eating at me.
‘Caitlyn, it’s not enough… it’s not enough’…
[…it’s not enough, and I’m sorry… sorry; I had to]
Not enough what? Weight.
Yes, I had noticed that instead of looking at skeletron in the mirror, I was looking at a slightly more padded version, but regardless, I still felt… off. One of the major negative ramifications of my struggles is low oestrogen levels, which directly links to decreased esteem and confidence, libido, an increase in anxiety and depression and… inability to ovulate.
I apologize for getting a bit personal, but this is real life guys. So if you are standing over a toilet, or looking at the plate of food, forking it around instead of eating it… this is what you should look forward to.
I had not weighed myself in months, due to my ‘happy weight’ plan.
For those of you who do not know my ‘happy weight’ plan, it was essentially taking away the number and just focusing on how the body felt. Did I feel strong? Did I feel comfortable? Or did I feel frail? Or, even, uncomfortable – either too small or too large.
But I decided I needed to know if any of my efforts were, in fact, successful. So I did it. I weighed myself and the results were shocking.
I had gotten to my numerical goal weight.
The immediate reaction was a bit confusing. Kind of like when you’re really happy for a dear friend who got a promotion or scholarship; but also feel really upset because you went for it yourself. I felt accomplished and happy, yet almost grossed out and scared. I felt kind of like I was at a stop. The moments leading up to this I was sure I had to gain more, then, in the blink of an eye, I (in my head) had to not gain even a pound more.
Originally my plan was to reduce my exercises by like 1/2 (something I need to say, I am no good at). Focusing solely on yoga. While I love yoga, lately I’ve gotten into dancing as well (you should see me go :P) and the idea of cutting out something that makes me feel so alive, was depressing. Second I planned on a caloric surplus of like 300-500. Which scared the shit out of me. But then, when I discovered that I am not in dire need to gain, I decided to change my plan to focus more on toning and yoga, using any aerobic activity as more of a ‘recovery’ and increase my intake a bit more to reach a more balanced feeling inside.
But still I am left perplexed.
While I used to feel so informed, I now feel so confused.
Today I have my first meeting with the specialist(s) on the subject and … to be frank I am scared as shit. But I do need to remember that they know better than me and that this is to help.
Because, as much as I wanted to battle this 100% on my own here on out.
I think I am ready to admit that I do need help.