Most people love vacation days.
They wait for months to get that extra day to ‘relax’ and ‘do nothing’. The joys of being able to sit on rump for an extra day. No commitments. Nothing. Unlike most people, the idea of a ‘day off’ to me, is… terrifying. Why?
Inside Caitlyn’s head:
If I sit around all day with nothing specific to do… I’ll burn off nothing.
If you’ve been dealing with an ED you know this to be the case. It is almost as if (irrational as it sounds) you feel the weight adding itself to your body. Second by second, pound by pound. It’s exhausting.
Naturally, when hearing I would have two days off, with virtually nothing to do… I felt… a bit nervous.
This is what I call: The Cabin Fever of Food Restriction
The more time you spend sitting at home, the more time you have to think about… how much you could have possibly gained [god forbid]. Yesterday, I felt it a bit. But today… it overcame me.
So… I did some yoga…
A little Eion Finn to make the day go by, :)
[if you haven’t checked out Eion Finn stop whatever you’re doing and go check him out. He is originally from BC and leads a style of yoga called “alignment-based vinyasa-styled yoga” which is essentially vinyasa yoga with a heavy focus on alignment of body and mind]
After a 30 minute flow, I felt satisfied!
…For about sixty minutes.
Soon my mind began to [again] wander and I began to [again] feel anxious. Since Baba was over, and time was trying to be killed, I asked him to partake in the only activity I thought would pass the time…
He was happy to oblige.
In all honesty, Baba is kind of like… Let’s just say I felt like a total officer having orders barked at me. I think it was his goal. I think he wanted to see how tough I can be in the kitchen. Evidently, quite tough indeed. [Note to all the women out there: do not argue a man when he tells you that the scooper which you are using to scoop out the batter is equal to one tablespoon. Merely scoop out the batter and watch as you make only nine cookies instead of the 12 aimed for].
So, that took a solid 30 minutes again…
Cookies were made and were eating.
Even Mr. Owl wanted in on the action…
After that I felt, albeit productive, bored again. We were watching a movie and before I knew it… I was not taking in anything on the screen. So…
I went for a walk.
I walked for about 40 ish minutes and quickly stopped at the Market, where I bought nothing on account of I left my purse at home [oops]. Before long I headed home. It was time to relax and I was ready.
– – – –
This is one of my greatest struggles. My mind begins to wander, I get a sense of boredom hunger… it is all very messy. I hate it. I often look at Baba, who actually enjoys relaxing to a great extent and envy him. I used to be able to do that. But then, I am left asking myself if that is what I actually want now. I get restless, yes. But that is okay, so long as I keep productive. What I do not like, is that I slowly revert back to my negative thought processes when I get this Cabin Fever of Recovery. I feel myself slowly becoming more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. It isn’t good.
Maybe it is just me. I do not know. But I am sure that if you have dealt with an ED of any kind, you know what it feels like to not be able to escape your own mind and when you have no where to go to try, it becomes even more difficult.
It used to be far worse than this. I can stay home alone for a decent amount of time now, finding things to do in my own time and instead of having severe panic attacks, I am doing things. Unfortunately, I am not out of the woods yet…
Maybe one day I will be able to relax for a full 24 hours. :) Who knows?