Sleepy time note

For the past week I have been doing something I never used to do.

A pre work out snack.

Every morning I wake up at five, bright and early, to work out. I love it; I live for it. In the past, I would rush down stairs, throw my hair back and go. Time is of the essence, right? I would not eat, but I would have a bit to drink. Then I’d go. As I mentioned, this past while, I have been having 1/2 a banana and some almond butter or Greek yogurt beforehand. Not a lot, but enough to get my revved and going.

Know what I discovered?

I have been waking up at five in the morning now… hungry.

Actually, better yet, starving. So now I need that food before my work out, or it would not happen. Breakfast would. That said, I do prefer to work out pre-breakfast, because I hate waiting for my food to digest and hate the feeling of working out while digesting. So it is just a lot easier for me to get it in before any meal-eating. So, I have been having this snack before working out. It has caused me to wonder a few things however. Mostly regarding this new found hunger:

Is it possible that my body was always hungry and I was just ignoring it and pushing myself to work out? I think it is.

I am the kind of girl who gets used to something and once in the routine, I have a difficult time breaking it. For example, before I could not eat before a work out because (a) it would lead to a less impressive work out (false), (b) I was get uncomfortable while doing my exercising (so long as I am not eating a cow, this is false) and (c) it would mess up my daily intakes which are more important after working out (false and daily intakes are something of the past… or trying to be).

Throughout this whole process of learning to trust both my mind and my body, I am learning a lot of things and asking a lot of questions. Lately this has been one of them. Others have been:
Do I really prefer almond butter to peanut butter? OR did I just think it was better for me?
Do I actually dislike olive oil, or am I scared of the concentrated fat?
Why did I stop dancing my heart out?

Recovering from an ED is like… reintroducing yourself to yourself. During the time you stop feeding your body, you also stop feeding your soul. The glimmer in your eyes disappears and you become a shell of who you used to be. You’re hollow. I was, anyway.

Getting to know me again is kind of… exciting. Learning about my interests, my lack of interests, my habits, the which brought me joy. Tapping into the things that truly caused me to feel happy… beautiful… sexy. I would not trade this in for the world.

The past few days have been amazing. I have not felt blue, but in control. Calm. Rational. I am terrified these emotions will fade, but I will do my best to ensure that they remain. I honestly believe this ease has to do with my “in work-out” attitude. When I was focused on getting X amount of this or that during a work out, I applied that mentality to my day-to-day life. Not good. Now, my work outs are completely organized by the moment. Of course, baring in mind areas that need rest. If I wake up one morning and want to dance, I’ll dance. If I want to do a nice barre work out, I will. And now, I am applying that mentality to my day-to-day life. Instead of worrying so much about living life in structure and routine, I am trying to live life to have fun. Obviously, being the novice I am at this, I will need to perfect my craft. But, if I could have more days like the past two or three…. well, I would consider myself completely happy.

Just one more note before signing off to bed.
If you are recovering from something … anything, do not be hard on yourself. You’ll slip up. You might slip up big. For a moment close your eyes and cherish yourself. Love yourself. At the end of the day these actions we take are taken to, in some way, punish our own self. You needn’t punish yourself. You make mistakes, yes. You fall down and scrape your knee. Kiss it better; patch it up. Live on to the new day. Do not cry over scraped knees, but blissfully smile at the cartoon characters which design the band-aid. We are not meant to be perfect. We are not meant to live life without slips. So slip and fall and bruise and cry. Just get back up, dust yourself off and take a step forward instead of another step back.

You can do it.

You can do it.

C.

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