I have a lot of regrets.
Mostly all relate to my ED in some way or another, but most of all they all come back to one main regret (which was briefly touched upon in the last post I made): my loss of ‘fun’.
One of my largest struggles is this split personality that I have created in my life. One is a shadow of my old self: a girl who lived life, laughed, smiled, ate … big and danced. The other is a scared, overly focused girl who spends way too much time thinking about her diet and fitness regime.
While I don’t want to say that old me is better than new me, there was a lot of old me that I much preferred. And now I am desperately trying to find a balance amid the two: a girl who is passionate about movement and health, but is not afraid to have fun with it.
In the process of changing I feel I need to go one step further in my attempts. What does this mean? Letting go of my daily “structured” work outs. This doesn’t include my yoga and barre exercises. These kind of beg structure to attain the proper benefits. However anything outside of that will just be ‘fun’.
Today I challenged myself. After my morning work out (which, thanks to Baba and my new laptop, was a workout by CoreFusion – it’s been over a month… I missed you so much), I had breakfast and relaxed. All in all, I want to focus more on toning and sculpting during my scheduled work outs, so I did not do any real cardio. Instead, after breakfast I turned on some music and danced.
I did not think. I did not stress. I just moved.
I remember being a young girl and escaping into the basement regularly to just dance it out. I would pretend that I was on a stage, preforming a number I had down to each and every step – even though in actuality this would be my first time doing the moves. I loved it. I lived for it.
I want it back.
So I am going to get it back.
I will not stop doing barre exercises, or yoga sequences, because I love them. I, too, live for them. The grace I feel following a barre work out; the energy and centred mind… I would not trade in for the world. The vitality and the blood flow I gain from yoga, and the detoxifying nature of twists… I couldn’t say goodbye. But the redundant nature of cardio exercises (long distance running, or running) to me… is something that I could never do again.
I have realized I prefer brisk walking to running. Or very light jogging. But most importantly, my focus is now, more than ever, doing what I want. And what I want to do is dance. If one day I want to do something else, sure. But now, I am fully committing to the idea that sometimes I will just dance and that will be my “work out”.
I guess in my road to recovery I am creating new philosophies. My most recent being that exercise is suppose to be fun and not work.
The most important take away from this is to stop comparing. That is something I have struggled with all my life. Comparison. And that is one thing we all need to let go of… as women and as people.
You are you. Right?
So be you. :)