the girl

Full.

It’s such a small word, isn’t it?

Stuffed.

A little larger,but still holds the same umph when said: “guys, I’m full” or “wow, I am stuffed”.

For me, the words stuffed has appeared, a number of times. I have felt stuffed before. What I have not felt in a long time is satisfied. Today I finally had a crazy un-like Caitlyn lunch:

Two slices of toast

One topped with:
About an eighth of a avocado smooshed with a spoonful of hummus (can you say, avo-yummus?), some chicken leftovers than no one seems to be touching, a few slices of cucumbers and mushroom.

The other topped with:
a spoonful of almond butter and a few spoonfuls of cottage cheese and a couple strawberries, sliced.

 

Big lunch? I don’t know. Small lunch? Could not tell you.

Honestly, this lunch kind of… evolved. I ate some, said: ‘are you satisfied?’ if the inner answer was no, I ate some more.

Now, I am satisfied.  Maybe even a little overly satisfied.

 

 

Accepting Satisfaction
The moment you stop eating is the same moment you stop loving yourself. Or rather, it’s the same moment you stop loving yourself completely. Before reaching that moment, you think about how little you care for you, but you’re too afraid or proud to actually do anything about it. Then, in a moment of complete loss, you have no asylum: no where to turn to bring you home.
Life starts to look a little distant. In fact, a lot distant.

wyeth_christina

The girl is you. The house in the distance if the life you want. The life you had. I have always loved this picture. Or, I’ve always hated it. I don’t really know. Either way, I’ve always felt a deep connection to is, which to this day resonates within me. As a young girl, I was happy. I loved animals, my family, writing (the amounts of unfinished stories hidden in my mind are phenomenal), laughing… you name it, I loved it. I am not that girl anymore. I am that other girl, looking in at that girl from the outside, wishing to somehow get back to her.

Maybe I will never get back. But, maybe I will.
All I need to do is try. :)

 

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2 thoughts on “the girl

  1. I completely believe that you will get back to being the girl you were! You seem to have a level-head and are making such great strides towards your health by accepting satisfaction and listening to your body. Keep moving forward love! :)<3

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