april thirteenth

Yesterday was my final Philosophy exam. I walked in, after having studied for four solid hours, feeling extremely confident and prepared. I settled into a seat off on my own and patiently waited for the professor to arrive and hand out the exam booklet and question sheet. In my head, I reviewed all the material I had just consumed: “Sophists use speech to sway their audience, writing is a lesser sibling to dialectic, a world of relativism – as believed by Socrates – would lead to a world of idleness and, arguably, ethnocentric value – a concept much contradictory of a relativist’s main goal”. I had this exam in the proverbial ‘bag’.

At 2:00PM, my Philosophy professor rushed into the room, almost as if he had just completed a marathon; he wished us good luck, and immediately handed out the test. Fifteen short answers lay in front of me, waiting to be answered. Luckily, after reading each question, my confidence became even more supported.

Ninety minutes following, I was done. This is when I started to feel any shred of worry or concern. 

I had been here before. I had walked this walk and felt this very emotion. I was about to receive my term paper. Unlike last semester, however, I was well prepared for the possibility of not receiving a grade above a 80 (as I was usually accustomed to). After engaging in the trade – my essay for my exam – I walked out of the room and booked it to the bench just outside the corridor. I inhaled and opened the booklet.

I received a seventy-eight.

The mark was followed by a lengthy and messy note, ensuring my that not only was this one of the higher marks in the class, but that my writing styles and passions were far above the average person’s. I won’t lie and say that the words ‘far above average’ and ‘higher marks’ didn’t provide some settlement in my stomach, but I still wished I had gotten a higher grade. Writing has always been of great importance to me, so having a number to demonstrate my efforts… it just deems importance to me.

Naturally, this caused me to think:

I spend so much time trying to simplify my life, in order to ease anxiety or fear, so why doesn’t that translate into my writing? Then it occurred to me. Perhaps, all this simplifying which I speak of, is all in my head. Maybe, I have been complicating things more.

As a result, I have decided to commit to ‘simpleness’. This will be in regard to my eating, my workouts, my thought process… my life. I already managed to adhere to simplifying my academic world in taking a maximum of four classes and focusing solely on my goals. I have also worked very hard in simplifying my exercise regime, focusing solely on yoga, Qigong, light jogging, orthopedic stretches and weightless toning. Now I’m committed to transferring this philosophy into all facets of my life.

Of all ‘facets’, I do expect that the most difficult will be my thought process. I have a tendency to over think virtually everything. Mostly this revolves around how people will react to me – focusing specifically on judgement. As I explained to my mother last night, I live in a state of constant shame. Why? I’m not like most girls my age. I get up around 4:30 to work out, eat a highly structured diet, am rigid in my daily activities to a fault and end up curling into bed by 8:15PM, with a book or puzzle, falling asleep around 9-9:30PM. Now, for me, this works out perfectly. I love the mornings, I find them peaceful. I also love relaxing evenings. My fear, however, is that people will see these behaviors as… ‘wrong’. As a result I complicate everything. Instead of saying (and furthermore, demonstrating) that I simply do not care how other’s feel, I become high defensive and prepared for any attack. From there, any slight indication of someone seeing my as weird (which, let’s face it, I am) will be taken directly to heart, leaving me in potential tears and a bad mood. 

Now it is just a matter of decided how to properly approach this. I wish I could end this post with insightful plans I have for simplifying, but I have not any musings to share. Ultimately, I am more lost than you could imagine.

What I can tell you, is I plan to actively research and consider possibilities, hoping to generate a list which could potentially help me with these struggles.

I one day hope, that not only my writing, but my life can be cut of all the unnecessary clutter, turning into a fully concise and complete entity. 

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